Tiny hammer
by cambalopales
Summary: Imagine if all the 40k armies came alive, and i mean ALL of them, including Tyranids, dark eldar and Necrons. Chaos and hilarity is garunteed
1. 1: (David) what the fuck (re-visited)

I have decide to re-release the 1st chapter in an altogether better version, previous reviews have pointed out my horrible grammar so that is CLEARLY A MUST FIX! This is my 1st fan-fiction though so it won't be AMAZING, so cut me some slack please.

"_The Steel legion is here? Why didn't you just say so! Tell them to move men up to my position, now!" Lysander yelled into his vox. _

"_Sir, they're already caught in combat with Xeno forces and have no men to spare!" reported brother captain Thadeus_

_Lysander sighed as he brought up his storm shield to block incoming fire._

"_Sir, new enemy forces, its big this time!" reported scout Sergeant Xavier. _

"_Dark eldar?"_

"_Um… well, not exactly"_

I woke up with a start. What was that? There it was again! It sounded almost like an explosion… Ok that time I definitely heard something. I climbed out of bed and put some clothes. I moved to open the door and…

"halt!"

I spun round looking for the speaker. I looked at the bookcase and could make out 5 small, moving humanoid shapes. I cautiously approached them.

"Um, hello?" I called.

"Take one for step and we'll blow you head off" now that I was closer I could see them better. They were about an inch, maybe two high. They were wearing long, camo cloaks and hefting large sniper rifles.

"Right" I laughed "and how exactly are you going to do that?"

"like this" The leader took aim at my forehead and fired.

Fuck it stung! I recoiled backwards against the wall and put my palm against my head. I pulled down in front of my face. Good, no blood.

"**WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?" **I yelled.

"to be fair, we did warn you" he replied.

I Turned my back on the small group and when to the door. Maybe I could find something in the garage to smash these things with. I opened the door and…

"What…the…fuck"

Moving around the Hallway were soldiers, roughly the same size as the ones that shot me. Small yellow armoured troops were fighting some kind of alien species in greyish blue armour. Flying around the hallway were small sail barge type things being harassed by more Morden looking fighter craft.

"**WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON HERE?" **I screamed.

The fighting stopped as a hundred or so soldiers stopped what they were doing and looked at me.

"**WELL?"** I asked.

One of the yellow troops stood forward. He was more heavily armoured than the others and was armed with a large hammer and a shield.

"We" he said, gesturing to his surrounding troops, "are the Space Marines of the Imperial Fists chapter, we are here to combat the Xeno filth that threatens the Imperiums might and glory" he continued, gesturing to the alien forces.

"OK" I said, trying to calm down (which isn't easy when there are about A HUNDRED FUCKING INCH TALL SOLDIERS RUNNING AROUND YOUR HOUSE!)

One of the aliens stood forward. He was clad in similar armour to the other alien soldiers but it seemed to be more majestic, and deadly. He was armed with a long sharp edged sword and carried some type of crystal that leaked pure shadows.

"We, are the dark eldar, the warriors of Commanraugh, and we are here to wreck pain to these pathetic worms" he growled, gesturing to the Astartes.

"OK, um, are there any more?" I asked, afraid of the answer.

"Oh yes" the alien purred "many, many more"

Fuck.

_9:00pm, Living room_

I rubbed my forehead and sighed. I leaned back into the couch. This was just ridiculous. In front of me stood a collection of soldiers on top of the coffee table, much like the marines and dark eldar in terms of size, but that's where the similarities stop. I mean, I could handle a few hundred glorified army men, but when the archon (which I think it's called, I don't know, when a hundred little soldiers are all yelling and screaming threats at each other it gets hard to remember the names of everything) said there were more, I think my heart stopped.

"OK, one more time" I said, picking up my pen and paper "and slowly, one at a time, starting with you".

I pointed to a soldier in a khaki trench coat and skull shaped mask. He had a pistol holster strapped to his hip and was toying with the scabbard of his power sword (I think that's what it's called). He was flanked by 2 more soldiers who wore jet black armour and were hefting large rifles. I don't think they belong to the same unit as the commander himself, I can't be certain.

"I am Colonel Julius Alexandra, of the 501st Armageddon steel legion" he reported, saluting smartly

"Colonel…Alexandra," I said writing it down, "OK, you?" I said, pointing to a Gold and Silver Robot looking thing. It was sporting some pretty bad-ass weapons (laser Gatling guns and rocket pods, just to name a few) and had about three little drones floating around it.

"I am Shas'o forethought, as I would be called in your language, and I lead the Au 'rum cadre."

"Fore…thought" I repeated, writing furiously to keep up. "OK you" .

I pointed to a figure that sat cross legged in some sort of meditation. It appeared to be female, judging by the breast plates (either that or a trans sexual). she had elf ears and had a spear resting on her shoulder. Standing by her wear to blue armoured soldiers, with a yellow and black plume on the top to the back of their helmet

She looked at me glumly "oh, me" she said surprised. "I am Farseer grace of craftwold Ulthwe". She spoke as if she was a thousand worlds away, it was quite mystifying.

I nodded, as if in a trance.

"OK, we've been through you two, Captain Lysander and The archon" I said, reviewing my notes.

"Excuse me?"

I looked over to the source of the voice. Standing there was a chick armoured in a white and gold armour, taping her foot expecting to be called forth to do a little intro. She carried a stick which cradled a flame and was also armed with a flamethrower pistol. Flanking her were similarly dressed soldiers carrying big hefty flamethrowers

"Sorry, um…?"

"Canoness Vanessa of the order of the sacred flame" she snapped, clearly pissed off with my forgetting her existence.

I reviewed my notes and matched up the soldiers to the names.

"I think I have you all memorized, but it's not like you're going anywhere anytime soon, so we're going to have to draw up parade grounds, building areas and general living quarters."

Of course, as you'd expect, this sparked yet more arguments.

Well that's the 1st chapter revisited. Most of this (particularly the introductions part) was drawn from the planned 2nd chapter, but I doesn't matter too much. Re-views are MUCH appreciated as it is my 1st fan-fic.


	2. (David) Seating plan

Hope you liked the re-vamped version of chapter 1. Here's chapter 2 to quell your thirst.

_living room, 1:00pm_

"OK, so to clarify, Space marines will be in guest bedroom 2 and the Steel legion will be in the living room. Eldar have the theatre room, Sisters have the study, Dark Eldar in the basement and Tau in guest bedroom 1. OK, everyone clear?" I asked the collection of troops on the coffee table. It had been at least 4 hours since we were done with the introductions and into negotiations for territory, and I think I might end up killing myself before we find a way to get these guys home. There was murmuring in the crowd till they got as close to agreeing as they had gotten all morning

"Then let's get you guys moved in, shall we?" I said, clapping my hands together.

_Study, 1:45pm_

"Wow, you guys are working quick, everything alright?" I asked, looking down at the migration of white and gold rhino transports moving in and out of the doorway.

"Fine, just fine David it is in the rules of the order that sisters of the Ecclesiarchy work with efficiency, to deny the heretic the upper hand." Canoness Vanessa replied, looking down adoringly at her fellow sisters. She sat on my shoulder as she talked more about the sisters and the order of the Ecclesiarchy.

"Where are you getting supplies from?" I asked, wondering where the rhinos were going to.

"Ah, well before you woke up, and before we found the house, most of our forces were holding positions at the ruined battle ship _spear of Armageddon" _she responded "It had crashed after the engines failed when the warp scattered our ship here"

"Where is the ship?"

"it is in the great forest, I could deploy lightning fighters to show you the way"

"No, I need to make sure everyone is fine here before I go out into the woods, maybe tomorrow"

"As you wish Governor (oh yeah, the imperials have decided to call me Governor, as this is my realm) As you can clearly see, We'll need far better living conditions than rhinos and other vehicles for shelter, I mean, what if it were to rain?"

"Considering we are inside, not likely. None the less, I will get my hands on some things for you guys to use for construction."

"Much appreciated, David"

I looked around at the various sisters in the room; some were locked in prayer to their "god-emperor". A few were tinkering away, cleaning their 'purification weapons' (flamethrowers by any other name) and others were marching alongside rhinos with organs and flame thrower cannons on top.

"What are those for?" I asked, pointing at the moving organs, "wedding songs on the battle field?"

Vanessa looked offended. "Those, as I explained before (mustn't have been listening then) are the exorcist artillery batteries, our much needed long range fire power. The "organ" funnels on top are gun barrels."

The setup of the sisters well under way, I decided to go take a look at how the others were going on.

_The Living room, 2:10 pm_

The Guardsmen marched in perfect line formations alongside their Lemun Russ tanks. Valkyrie aircraft flew in and dropped crates down into the temporary camp that the guard had set up. The guard were moving much slower than the sisters as they had the most soldiers, a few thousand guardsmen, tank crewmen and pilots, to attend to. They had set up by the T.V, using the space were the DVD player goes for their Valkyries to land (for some reason I have 2, so I can have the player plugged in and the guards Valkyries to land). The largest tanks, the Baneblades, were used as the legions centrepiece in their military parade. I looked on with interest, watching the well-oiled machine of the imperial guard work. A Valkyrie hovered in and Colonel Alexander jumped out onto the window sill beside me. Another person got out, a soldier dressed in a black and red uniform with a peaked army cap sporting the imperial aqullia (the symbol of the imperial forces). He was carrying a pistol similar to the common sidearm of the Space Marines. The colonel noticed me looking confused.

"oh, David I'm so sorry I had not introduced you sooner, this is Lord Commissar Thomas, leader of the commissariat attached to 501st." he said "he was not able to attend the meeting this morning as he was cleaning up Xeno forces with our 1st company Stormtroopers"

"pleased to meet you, Governor." The Commissar said, nodding at me.

"The feeling is mutual, Commissar." I replied. I Brought out my notepad "Do you need anything, I'm going shopping for some things and wondering do you need anything besides food and building materials"

"Unless you can find any more men, tanks and aircraft, no, I don't think so, thanks for the offer anyway"

"I'll see what I can do"

I stepped over the parading troops and went to the basement

_Basement, 2:30pm_

The basement was a place of darkness. Already the dark eldar had turned the place into a mini version of their dark city. The raider sail barges were flying a round, with kabalite warriors hanging on the sides. Away in the corner was a shadowy character with multiple limbs, attaching wings to a kabalite. Their Archon sat upon a throne, paying no contribution to the construction of their base. He was on top of a high shelf flanked by his precious incubi bodyguards. He had some slave eldar in skimpy dresses (think princess Leia in star wars episode VI) dancing very provocatively.

"What do you want, fledgling" he said down at me.

"Just came to say hi, so, hi" I said, tearing my eyes off the dancing eldar.

"Yes, well if that's all then, be on your way, I have important work to attend to."

"I was just going to…"

"leave! Or I will despatch my Razorwing squadrons to attack you!"

"ok, ok" I said, backing out of the basement. I locked the door and promised myself to never open that door.

_Theatre room, 2:35pm_

The eldar were materializing from a websail portal on the table in the middle of the room. Some of their bonesingers were working on smaller webway portals and the remaining ones were working on the wraithknight. The huge titan type construct was huge, it stood sentinel on the central table as more wraith bone was shaped to complete its form, although it only came up to just below my knee it was by far the largest thing that I have seen all day. The wraith fighters were also flying about, they were faster than the prisms and falcons yet they did not hold the destructive capabilities. The eldar were the smallest of the armies that had revealed themselves and had only a few hundred guardians, aspect warriors and seers. Farseer Grace was standing by the websail portal with her seer council.

"Ah, David, I see you're impressed by the wraithknight" she said as I approached.

"Yes, it must be quite hard to find the materials to build such a thing" I responded, it was hard to look at Grace since I had just come from an eldar strip club.

"So this is primitive terra, to think that somewhere in the stars our ancestors are enjoying the luxuries of our great empire" she said dreamily.

"I don't understand"

"Well, a millennium ago the eldar had the largest empire of them all, we had bested the C'tan's Necron warriors and held back the greenskin nemesis Then she who thirsts was born and destroyed our empire, all because of our lust for ecstasy. We had only survived because of our craftwold forefathers, who had foreseen this doom and left the empire for sanction in the webway." She sighed, "if only we could get out there and warn them, but I fear it is already too late."

"What if this 'she who thirsts' comes to kill you?"

"Well then we… no… it's not possible, it's too far back for the birth cry"

"ok, but if you think something is wrong, I'm here to help"

I started towards the door then paused, I looked back on the eldar and I got that strange connection again, as if someone was trying to tell me something.

_Upstairs, Guest bedroom 1, 2:45pm_

The tau, as I understand, are the beacons of the 'greater good', basically a bunch of space smurfs running around after a bunch of brainless preachers they call the 'ethereals'. Though, the guns that the tau have are fearsome in firepower and are no doubt something you want to run into in a dark alley way. The tau were flying around in the battlesuits between the bed, the bed stand and the space platform they somehow got into the room. On the drawers directly opposite me were three broadside battlesuits, taking aim at my head. One of the hammerhead gunships floated down to them and a commander popped his head out. After yelling a few commands the broadsides lowered the rifles. The gunship took off back up to the platform. Forethought jumped across to me.

"David, this is most un-expected" he said over his on board speakers.

"yeah, I was just checking how everyone is settling in and I think you guys are doing pretty well."

"I see, are you able to retrieve some materials for buildings for us, we haven't got many supplies left after the construction of the platform"

"I can tell, that shouldn't be a problem, just, don't blow anything, ok?"

"I assure you we won't" at that moment a railgun went off. Streaming through the air the shot slammed into a wall, leaving a blue stained blast in it.

"Um… ignore that" forethought said quickly

"If anyone finds out that…"I started

"You must be on your way David, there is much more to attend to" he said pushing me out the door with his thrusters.

_Guest bedroom 2, 3:00pm_

Lysander was drilling his marines as usual. The marines were in perfect lines all firing their bolters at the exact same time. Land raider tanks were moving around the room, clearing any obstacles with their heavy treads ready for building. The problem was they were doing this on the bed, so the more the did it the more creases appeared in the sheets. Stormraven ships were being powered down by the techmarine pilots as the space marines have collected the resources they needed. The stormtalon gunships were doing the last minute flybys of the area before I give the order for all aircraft to be grounded and powered down. Lysander left his men to their drills and walked to me.

"Governor David, I hope your day has been as successful as ours" he said from the bedside table.

"You have no idea" I replied, rolling my eyes.

"I take it that I still have full authority to return to the _spear of Armageddon _tomorrow?" I had said that I did not want anyone going out of the house during the night but the marine had promised only once the sun was up would he deploy via Stormraven to the crash site.

"yeah, sure" I said, quite frankly I was over it and just wanted to go to bed.

_David's bedroom, 9:15pm_

After an eventful dinner (no I'm not going to explain) and made sure no army was secretly mobilized (it's like kids at a sleepover, except these kids have FUCKING TANKS) I was finally about to go to sleep. The screech of a railgun went off again.

Fuck, me.

_In the dark recess of the engine room, the horde gathered. They would soon be in sufficient numbers to fulfil their one purpose,_

_To kill, to consume._

Ok, chapter 2, hope you liked it.


	3. (XavierLysander )The spear

**Here is the 1****st**** chapter taken from someone other than David's perspective, does it work? you tell me.**

_Monday, Guest bedroom 2, 8:00am_

Xavier looked out onto the drive as David's car pulled out of the garage.

"He's gone" Xavier said into his vox com.

"Excellent. We're leaving in 10, get back here", Lysander said back.

"I'm coming" Xavier got up and ran back to the land speeder storm.

_The porch, 8:10am_

The Stormravens were being loaded up as Xavier arrived. The land speeder hovered in and Xavier jumped out. He jogged over to where Lysander was talking to the troops.

"… and above all else, we recover the STC. Under stood?" Lysander asked. The marines nodded

"The emperor protects"

"The emperor protects!" the marines repeated and they went to their respective Stormravens.

"Captain?" Xavier said as he approached.

"Ah, Sargent just the man I wanted to see" Lysander said, turning to him

"I want you and your team to secure a landing zone for the ships" he continued.

"Yes, sir" Xavier said, walking back to his land speeder

"Oh, and Sargent"

"yes?"

"Be careful, we still don't know exactly what happened to the _spear_.

"yes captain, of course"

"the emperor protects" Lysander saluted.

"the emperor protects" Xavier repeated. And he made his way to his land speeder.

_The spear of Armageddon, 8:45am_

The speeder hovered in and landed by the collapsed hanger doors. Xavier and his squad leapt out and assumed positions around the craft. They had swapped their sniper rifles out for shotguns, giving them better efficiency in the confines of the ship. Xavier signalled his squad forward and they advanced into the hanger. The hanger was ruined beyond repair. Thunderbolt fighters lay with wings ripped off and cracked view cabins and in-active bombs littered the hanger floor. Xavier's squad advanced through the mess into the dark hallways. Lights occasionally flickered but other than that the place was dark. Xavier's scouts broke into the command centre half an hour later, from it they could see Lysander's tactical marines unpacking from the storm ravens and the dreadnoughts using their seismic hammers to break through.

"look in the view modules and file vaults, see if you can find that STC." Xavier said

The scouts spread out and starting opening folders and disk drives. Brother Capirus found the file vault and blasted it open with his shotgun. He crouched and picked up a sickle claw.

"Sargent! I found something!" He called as he examined it with his data glasses.

"What is it?" Xavier said, running over to him.

"What do you think it is?" Capirus asked, holding it up for Xavier to see.

Capirus passed it to Xavier and he held it for a while. Xavier's eyes widened

"This, is a Hormagaunts claw, the Tyranids are here."

_The spear of Armageddon, 9:25am_

Lysander and his men broke into the gun deck at 9:20, 3 minutes after Xavier reported possible Tyranid hostiles. He moved cautiously through the Cannons, brother dreadnought Thadius and brother dreadnought Avadius leading the way, providing supporting with their assault cannons.

"Movement up ahead" Thadius reported.

"Alright, tactical squads form a bolter line on our left flank, devastators look out for the larger carnifex forms, terminator teams, with me."

"Yes sir!" the marines echoed.

The scuttling swarm poured out of the port door. Hundreds of gaunts poured out but were quickly cut down by the dreadnoughts assault cannons. Soon enough warrior forms burst out of the walls and charged the bolter line. Space marines fired but could not penetrate the hardened carapace grown by the Warriors. Marines were impaled by talons the size of a man and were ripped from their suits by huge jaws. Lysander and his terminators moved up and assaulted the Tyranids. Lysander swung his hammer, catching one of them right in the jaw. It crumpled to the ground, with many of the terminators around him betting the warriors in to a bloody pulp. An ear splitting roar announced the arrival of the Carnifex. It crashed through the doors and charged the collapsed marine line. It smashed into brother Thadius and used its crushing claws to break and crack the sarcophagus housing the celebrated brother. The dreadnought fell to the ground with a crash. The carnifex looked up at Lysander and roared defiantly. Lascannon rounds bounced off of its carapace as it charged at Lysander. Lysander charged back at him as he yelled the war cry of the imperial fists.

"Primarch-Progenitor, to your glory and the glory of Him on Earth!"

The captain brought his shield up as the two giants clashed. The carnifex sung a claw around and Lysander had to duck to avoid getting decapitated. Lysander answered the attack with an upward swing of his thunder hammer. It struck the chest of the monster and it recoiled by the force of the hit. It swung its tail around and knocked lysandr down. Lying on the ground, Lysander reached for his hammer as the monster brought its foot down on Lysander. The crushing force cracked areas of the terminator armour and knocked Lysander out cold. A Stormtalon gunship blasted a hole through into the gun deck and knocked the carnifex off of its feet. A Stormraven ship lowered in and the surviving marines backed into the passenger bay. Lysander was dragged into the ship and the craft flew back out of the gun deck. The surviving craft flew out of the crash zone and back to the house, not even daring a glance back.

_Porch, 10:00am_

The ships flew in and landed by the hydra flak batteries. Colonel Alexandra was waiting with Lord Commissar Thomas. Company champion Hamish walked up to him and saluted.

"Your back early, do you have the STC?" The colonel asked

Hamish shook his head.

"Astartes? What happened?"

And so Hamish told them.

_Living room, 12:00pm_

" David will be back in 5 hours and he will be expecting a report on what happened, and The captain is out cold!" The colonel said, pacing back and forth.

"Calm down, colonel" Vanessa said in her soothing voice. "we'll find a way, servants of the emperor always do.

The colonel had a soft spot for Vanessa. He took a deep breath.

"Ok, what should we do?" he said, looking around at the gathering of imperial troops.

"i'm not sure, but we should see if we can try to pool help from the other factions." Hamish said, with the captain knocked out, Hamish was in command of the Imperial fists detachment here.

"you mean get help from those, XENOS?" the colonel said, turning to them. "Certainly not, what do they have to offer that we can't supply ourselves?"

"superior knowledge, for one thing" Farseer Grace appeared on the table, beside Vanessa.

"You will not survive here in this realm if we don't band together, I suspected the Tyranid involvement in the crash but the fact that they have developed into a full-fledged swarm is surprising. We cannot be demoralised by this. If anything, it should inspire us to larger feats of courage."

"She's right" Hamish said " though I think we should go and get David, see if he could help."

" Alright, I will get my Valkyries to go and…" The colonel began

"No" farseer Grace said calmly. "I will get my warp spiders to fetch him, that way no more terrans will see us that way"

"you had better know what you're doing, Xeno. You had better know"


End file.
